Erm, hello.

So one day maybe I’ll get the hang of writing regularly. I’ll be the person who updates people every week and has others waiting for the next post to drop. For now though I will write when I remember. Which this time took 3 years.

So what’s been up with me? Hmm. All sorts really. My kids grew up, my dog is still somewhat anxious (but loads better than before), I became a Camerado – more about that another day.

But mostly I’ve been trying to work out if there is a way of fighting the dual demons of anxiety and depression. Part of this involved me giving them names. So now my anxiety is called Horace and my depression is Bertha. I don’t know why – those names just seem to fit.

2020 has been interesting hasn’t it? None of us were expecting that!
Those bush fires at the beginning of the year were a bit mad eh? No really, they were this year – go and check if you don’t believe me.

As the Covid 19 crisis hit the UK, many people I know suddenly became overcome with anxiety. Suddenly they were hit by the generalised terror that is my everyday life. Everything was difficult, the world was a strange and unknown place.

For me, the world slowed down to a pace that was manageable. Horace and Bertha went away. My mind was clear for the first time in as long as I can remember. I got so much done. I finished projects I’d had sat around for ages. I made plans. I can’t remember when I last made serious life plans without worrying that I’d not be able to do it. My world, though physically constricted, had opened up. There were so many ideas and things I was going to do once I could get out and about again.

I made plans!

Then “lockdown” started to lift and one morning I got up and realised that Horace and Bertha had come back. My mind grew foggy, the weight of them returned. It felt heavier than it had before because I had got used to not carrying them about. Slowly the darkness wrapped its tendrils around me.

Those plans, they feel like distant memories. The things I want to do have been torn from my grasp. Now I mourn the loss of the me who could plan. I just have to reign in my world and not try to do too much so than my brain or my body don’t hate me. It’s so much worse at the moment because of those months during “lockdown” where I knew what I could do. When I foolishly made plans. I hoped beyond reason that this time it would be different, that the demons wouldn’t return and yet they always do.

I made plans.

I’m trying to hold on to the fact that for a moment I was someone who could make plans. I thought that I’d be able to put them into action and see them through. I have to hold onto the idea that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be that person again one day.

Until then, I’m here, in lockdown in my mind, wondering if there will ever be a way out of this mess.

I made plans…

Crochet on tour

So recently my daughter and I went to Yarndale for the day. It was tremendous fun! We saw some amazing floof, fabulous yarn, met some lovely people and also saw some truly fabulous crochet work. Unfortunately my phone had run out of charge so I couldn’t take many photographs, it’s such a shame because I really can’t do the event justice.

One of the lovely crocheted items on the Yarn walk between the station and the event.

As I suffer with fibromyalgia and chronic pain, I was a little worried about being on my feet all day. I was seriously concerned that being at the event may make life tough for me over the coming days, however I needn’t have worried as the organisers had included spaces where you could sit and rest at regular intervals, a knit and knatter lounge where I met the lovely Lucy from Attic24 who was very gracious as I babbled incoherently at her. If you haven’t had a look at her designs it is well worth having a look. Her use of colour is amazing! There were also a number of places to buy food, and also grass to sit on outside. So all in all I was able to pace myself reasonably well. Though if I am honest I reckon I probably pushed myself a bit too far in reality. For about a week or so I found it hard to get about and do stuff because I had done too much at Yarndale. I think next year I shall look at going for the whole weekend so I don’t feel under so much pressure to see everything all at once!

I also bumped into Debbie from Planet Yarn. There is photographic evidence of this somewhere, but I dread to think what I look like on it!

In the weeks following Yarndale I have been crocheting more bits of the Crochet along from Stylecraft by Sue Pinner. I did however manage to make a stupid error, can you spot it now I’ve tried to correct it? Even if you can spot it, I’m happy that I have managed to correct an error, with a reasonable amount of accuracy and that I didn’t have to pull it all out!

Can you spot my error?

I have also been working on my cardigan and hopefully will get that finished in the next few weeks.

Love & Hugs

P