Erm, hello.

So one day maybe I’ll get the hang of writing regularly. I’ll be the person who updates people every week and has others waiting for the next post to drop. For now though I will write when I remember. Which this time took 3 years.

So what’s been up with me? Hmm. All sorts really. My kids grew up, my dog is still somewhat anxious (but loads better than before), I became a Camerado – more about that another day.

But mostly I’ve been trying to work out if there is a way of fighting the dual demons of anxiety and depression. Part of this involved me giving them names. So now my anxiety is called Horace and my depression is Bertha. I don’t know why – those names just seem to fit.

2020 has been interesting hasn’t it? None of us were expecting that!
Those bush fires at the beginning of the year were a bit mad eh? No really, they were this year – go and check if you don’t believe me.

As the Covid 19 crisis hit the UK, many people I know suddenly became overcome with anxiety. Suddenly they were hit by the generalised terror that is my everyday life. Everything was difficult, the world was a strange and unknown place.

For me, the world slowed down to a pace that was manageable. Horace and Bertha went away. My mind was clear for the first time in as long as I can remember. I got so much done. I finished projects I’d had sat around for ages. I made plans. I can’t remember when I last made serious life plans without worrying that I’d not be able to do it. My world, though physically constricted, had opened up. There were so many ideas and things I was going to do once I could get out and about again.

I made plans!

Then “lockdown” started to lift and one morning I got up and realised that Horace and Bertha had come back. My mind grew foggy, the weight of them returned. It felt heavier than it had before because I had got used to not carrying them about. Slowly the darkness wrapped its tendrils around me.

Those plans, they feel like distant memories. The things I want to do have been torn from my grasp. Now I mourn the loss of the me who could plan. I just have to reign in my world and not try to do too much so than my brain or my body don’t hate me. It’s so much worse at the moment because of those months during “lockdown” where I knew what I could do. When I foolishly made plans. I hoped beyond reason that this time it would be different, that the demons wouldn’t return and yet they always do.

I made plans.

I’m trying to hold on to the fact that for a moment I was someone who could make plans. I thought that I’d be able to put them into action and see them through. I have to hold onto the idea that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be that person again one day.

Until then, I’m here, in lockdown in my mind, wondering if there will ever be a way out of this mess.

I made plans…

Hey up, how’s things?

A quick update

Hello, I really need to start doing this on a more regular basis. It’s been a strange few months, we’ve had building work done on the house (which I love now it is finished) and then the events of the last few weeks here in the UK have meant that I’ve had very little brain space for things such as blog writing.

Hey, I’m still about

I’ve had a tough few weeks – today’s post is more “health” than “crochet”. I’ve found that my mental health has been somewhat screwy recently. It’s been a real tricky month. I’ve become quite reclusive, and haven’t been out unless I have appointments or meetings. I think I’m getting to the other side of this low patch now, at least I hope so.

I have started a course looking at food & mental health – it’s interesting to approach losing weight from a mental health perspective – I didn’t realise quite how much of a crutch food is for me. Maybe helping sort out my head will help me get a bit healthier physically.

Life – it’s a funny thing isn’t it.

Crochet wise, I’m currently making Christmas things – so no pics for the moment, but I shall show you once people have received things. I haven’t got as much done as I could have done considering I’ve not been out much recently, but that is all part of my mental health thing too. I have taken refuge in stupid online facebook games. This is something I know doesn’t really help, but the inertia means it’s about all I can manage. I’m taking solace in the fact that I have managed to do some creating this month though, even if it is only a little bit.

Hope things are better with you guys.

Love & hugs to you all.

Px

Are you a loose hooker?

Well are you? I’m not – it turns out I’m a tight hooker. (Doesn’t sound much better does it?)

I’m talking about how you stitch in crochet of course. What on earth were you thinking?

When I form my stitches I end up with a very tight stitch, which means that I can be too small with my finished product. This became terribly obvious when I decided to make a hat.

I decided to make a hat because I was visiting a Sikh temple the other day with my local WI federation and they like everyone (men and women) to cover their heads when entering the meeting room where their holy book is kept. I found a lovely pattern online and got to work. I was really excited about wearing it and worked solidly on it all afternoon. That evening I finished it off and went to try it on.

This was the result:

When you crochet a hat but your stitches are too tight.

As you can see – quite ridiculous! I ummed and ahhed about what to do with said hat, but couldn’t bring myself to pull it out. So I gave it to my friend whose daughter loved it. (Photo used with permission)

If the hat fits…

As you can see, this lovely little one looks much better in the hat than I did, she is also rocking the pandas!

I am going to attempt another hat at a later date, but will have to conciously make sure I am relaxed before I begin – I’m a far looser hooker when I relax!

Love & hugs

P

Crayon Soup? Eh?

Crayon Soup by Diana Angstadt

You may be wondering why I call myself Crayon Soup. Well it all started a long time ago on a parenting forum (now sadly defunct) called The Bad Mothers Club. I had 2 young children and felt as though I really was not coping with the whole parenting shebang. One evening as I was pootling about on the internet I searched “Am I a bad mother” and one of the links was The Bad Mothers Club parenting forum. I read it for a while, and realised that actually I was doing ok. Everyone there had their own struggles and none of us knew what on earth we were doing. We all had usernames, and for a while I was pandagirl (I have always loved pandas) which suited me for a bit. After a while though I wanted something a bit more fun and interesting I was still overwhelmed with everything and felt as though it was only a matter of time before I got totally mixed up and ended up giving the kids leek and potato to draw with and put crayons in the soup, and so Crayon Soup was born. It’s a slightly perculiar, mixed up sort of a name, for a slightly mixed up perculiar sort of person. (I’ve looked at the word perculiar too much and now it looks wrong). It’s kind of stuck and occasionally, on facebook or even meeting up in real life, I still get called Crayon even though the forum has long since died a death.

The journey to now, part 3

Once I had completed my bag I needed something else to crochet, I missed sitting and stitching.

To catch up please take a look at:

The journey to now, part 1,

The journey to now, part 2

 

So I went back to the book I had got the bag pattern from and found the pattern for an elephant. Yup, an elephant. Naturally I had to try out the elephant. I have to admit at this stage that I had never attempted any kind of amigumuri (or stuffed toys to those of us who had no idea what amigumuri meant). However, I didn’t let this stop me and began. I found it extremely difficult. Like impossibly tricky. I lost count of the number of times I had to pull it out and start again.

Ah-ha! You’ll be thinking. This’ll be one of those “don’t give up” posts. Well you’re wrong. I was finding it so very difficult that I had to stop. It had ceased being relaxing or soothing, and instead I was tense and annoyed. This wasn’t the desired effects by a long way. At this point, carrying on would probably have sent me into a tailspin. I used crochet as a release, a chance to relax, a safe space. If it were making me angry it would be none of those things and start to affect my mental health. I needed to keep crochet as a safe space.So I put it aside and looked around for something else to do. This was the point at which I stumbled upon the attic24 blog. Her colours were bright and cheerful and so lovely to look at. She had just started a Crochet Along (usually called a CAL) where a part of a pattern is released each week/fortnight/month and I decided I would join in.

My Sunny Log Cabin Blanket, pattern by Attic24

Each week I got a new part and managed to complete it before the next one came out. The colours were so bright that each time I looked at them I smiled. I decided, with the help of the Psychologist I was seeing at the time, that this would be a blanket for me. One in which I could be kind to myself. One where as I was making it I was considering how I could look after myself, and once it were made that I could wrap myself in and give myself a hug.  As you can see it is a beautiful pattern and as it is mostly treble crochet was relatively easy to complete, even for a relative beginner like myself.

As I type I am sat under it, and I love its bright colours, especially as it heads into the darker time of year, to have something so beautifully colourful is a true tonic. Last winter, as I was making it, it helped me to keep going as each day I wanted to complete a bit more. I find winter so difficult, having something to look forward to regularly really helped me through.

Crochet on tour

So recently my daughter and I went to Yarndale for the day. It was tremendous fun! We saw some amazing floof, fabulous yarn, met some lovely people and also saw some truly fabulous crochet work. Unfortunately my phone had run out of charge so I couldn’t take many photographs, it’s such a shame because I really can’t do the event justice.

One of the lovely crocheted items on the Yarn walk between the station and the event.

As I suffer with fibromyalgia and chronic pain, I was a little worried about being on my feet all day. I was seriously concerned that being at the event may make life tough for me over the coming days, however I needn’t have worried as the organisers had included spaces where you could sit and rest at regular intervals, a knit and knatter lounge where I met the lovely Lucy from Attic24 who was very gracious as I babbled incoherently at her. If you haven’t had a look at her designs it is well worth having a look. Her use of colour is amazing! There were also a number of places to buy food, and also grass to sit on outside. So all in all I was able to pace myself reasonably well. Though if I am honest I reckon I probably pushed myself a bit too far in reality. For about a week or so I found it hard to get about and do stuff because I had done too much at Yarndale. I think next year I shall look at going for the whole weekend so I don’t feel under so much pressure to see everything all at once!

I also bumped into Debbie from Planet Yarn. There is photographic evidence of this somewhere, but I dread to think what I look like on it!

In the weeks following Yarndale I have been crocheting more bits of the Crochet along from Stylecraft by Sue Pinner. I did however manage to make a stupid error, can you spot it now I’ve tried to correct it? Even if you can spot it, I’m happy that I have managed to correct an error, with a reasonable amount of accuracy and that I didn’t have to pull it all out!

Can you spot my error?

I have also been working on my cardigan and hopefully will get that finished in the next few weeks.

Love & Hugs

P

World Mental Health Day 2016

Today is world mental health day 2016. Did you know that according to Mind, almost 1 in 10 people suffer with anxiety & depression combined? And 1 in 4 will suffer with a mental health condition each year. Take a look around you, 1 in 4. That’s one hell of a lot of people. And yet, there is still a huge stigma about talking about these things. This is wrong. This is an experience that almost 25% of people are coping with on a day to day basis.

So my plea to you, if you are suffering with your mental health is to speak out and ask for help. Contact your GP, pick up the phone and talk to someone (Samaritans can be contacted for free in the UK & ROI on 116123), take a moment and be kind to yourself. Find something that helps – for me it is my crochet and my medication, for others it is going for a walk, for others it is something else entirely. There is no right or wrong (so long as it is legal).

If you are thinking suicidal thoughts phone 999 immediately.

If you are one of the 3 in 4 who are lucky enough not to be coping with a mental health issue, then please take a moment to think. One in 4 of the people around you are dealing with them right now. Be kind, be considerate, and please check out Mind as they have all sorts of useful information.

Love & hugs,

P

The journey to now, part 2

Or becoming a bag lady…

Where were we? Oh yes, the scarf. The scarf had been a welcome relief from all the madness of the school situation. I found that when I finished it I needed something else to be getting on with.

Crafternoon for Mind

Yesterday I went to a Crafternoon in aid of Mind, it was wonderful, we sat in a yurt in my friend’s back garden,