A quick update
Hello, I really need to start doing this on a more regular basis. It’s been a strange few months, we’ve had building work done on the house (which I love now it is finished) and then the events of the last few weeks here in the UK have meant that I’ve had very little brain space for things such as blog writing.
Having anxiety issues is an interesting thing. When things are going well I am completely convinced that things are about to go tits up, every waking second my brain is going
“why are things going well? The person you’ve just met things you are a complete idiot you know. Your friends are only putting up with you. What if your husband/children/other family have a hideous accident whilst you aren’t with them, will people know how to get in touch? Why can’t you do anything about your weight? Maybe your fibromyalgia is all in your head? Maybe if you just got off your bum and did some exercise you’d actually be fine? Do you remember that conversation you had 30+ years ago in the playground at school, how stupid did you look then?…”
and so it goes on. It’s a little exhausting. So when I find myself in an extraordinary situation, like having the building work done, general elections, or bombs going off over the road from my child, the anxiety ramps up to the point where I am incapable of coherent thought about the minutiae of every day and I shut down. Like, it’s a huge thing to get up and shower. That takes a whole heap of effort because my brain is planning for the impending apocalypse. It’s such a joy to experience, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Even Donald Trump*.
Of course I’m not just dealing with the anxiety, it has a big older brother – depression. The depression teams up with the anxiety by telling me that actually any attempts to do anything are essentially futile. It tells me that no-one wants to see me anyhow, I’m boring, and irrelevant. Which is nice of it.
So despite all that, I’m still here. I’m trying to keep going, remind myself that my illnesses are lying to me and remain a part of society. To those friends who keep inviting me to things despite my flakiness – thank you so much. To those who have asked me how I am, thank you. Even though I may say I am fine your question means a lot. My husband is amazing, helping me through all my issues, standing with me in my darkness. He deserves better, but don’t go telling him this in case he realises. <—This is a prime example of my anxiety talking by the way, he shows no indications of jumping ship.
If you have read this far, thank you. If you know someone with anxiety or depression issues, please don’t give up on them, they may be flaky, but they need you to keep persevering regardless.
If you are suffering with anxiety or depression, please talk to someone. There are helplines on this page. Please don’t suffer alone.
*Well, maybe Donald Trump, I can’t say for certain I wouldn’t.
Crocheting for my health 